


Un Billet Doux

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Awkward Flirting, Bad French, F/F, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-23 10:38:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4873594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>====> Be the boy currently failing French<br/>Your name is John Egbert and you are not failing French! You're just a little worried that it will drop your GPA and affect your ability to get into Prospit University. You know, that dream school Jade wouldn't stop going on about after she finished her freshman year. It doesn't help that in an attempt to assuage your vexation Mme Lalonde has made Dave Strider your partner for the rest of the semester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by my French assignment to write a fake love letter/an excuse to write fic instead of doing my French homework.

====> Be The Nervous Boy Awaiting Certain Doom

Your name is John Egbert and you are anxious as shit right now. Although you were the one to organize this appointment with Mme. Lalonde after class, you feel lousy for having to talk to her at all. When the mid-term report cards came in your heart sank. Sure, you were doing great in everything else (that 99% in Biology was fought for with blood, sweat, and tears), but sitting at a C- in French was completely unacceptable. It wasn't necessary to have French to graduate, but you were told that it would be a good GPA boost from a friend. Then again, said friend who told you the benefits of French was Rose, daughter of the only French teacher in school. The only reason you stayed in the class was the tiny little crush you had on Madame Lalonde (who let you call her Roxy in private because you were Rose's friend). Who the hell speaks French anyway?  

"Bon après midi madame Lalonde." You murmur after opening the door to her classroom.

"John! Assis-toi, s'il te plait!" Madame Lalonde chirped, pointing to the chair next to her desk. Her brows were knitted as she was furiously marking up some of the recent composition assignments with her neon pink pen. Good to know that some people were doing worse than you, if only marginally. "Que puis-je faire pour toi?"

You hover near the chair as you try to translate the jumble of words in your head. "Que...je..umm."

"En Anglais John!" She snapped, still fully focused on the terrible homework she was marking.

"Umm, madame Lalonde-"

"Please, just call me Roxy."

"Roxy, what can I do to boost my marks?" You hastily blurt out, instantly regretting how blunt it sounded. 

She sets her marking aside slowly and looks you directly in the eyes, completely deadpan. "Hmm, you wound me John. I truly thought you were here because of that 'passion for learning' Rose kept telling me about. I'm afraid I must fail you for your lack of academic integrity."

"No! I do! I just-Please!" You begin to beg. No those are not tears welling up in your eyes! 

"Whoa I'm kidding! Sorry just chill bro!" Roxy playfully punches your shoulder with a concerned look in her eyes, international bro symbol for compassion, but you almost died from a heart attack. Also, _damn_ , was she strong. You will totally have a bruise later. "I know you kids are stressing out about admissions this year, but I really want you to have a solid grasp of the language. And I told you on the first day of class that I would not be an easy marker." 

"Please, I'll do anything to bump up my grades. I really want to get into Prospit." Prospit University is of course the school Jade's currently attending for their physics program. Being the genius that she is, your sister skipped a few grades and got in last year. Ever since then she hasn't shut up about how nice everybody is, the beauty of the campus, and how enlightening every class has been. You also really miss hanging out with your twin because the campus is out of state (like 'middle of the freaking ocean' out of state). 

"Very well." Roxy propped her chin on interlocked fingers as she stared out a window to deliberate. You can't help but gawk at how her platinum hair frames the delicate features of her face so well and have to quickly look away when she finally says, "I don't accept extra assignments for bonus marks, but I can assign you a peer mentor to help you. If your marks in my class improve and your mentor gives me a positive review I'm sure your grades will be up in no time!" 

"Yes! Absolutely!" You nearly shout. If you were alone right now you'd start doing a celebratory jig around the classroom. Getting tutoring would be a breeze, plus it's always fun to make more friends. Most people in your class seemed kinda quiet or standoffish so you hadn't made any friends, but a study buddy would be great!

"Bon! I'll ask David if he can be your peer mentor. Introduce yourself to him tomorrow and you two will work together for the rest of the semester." Roxy beamed, a sly smile spread across her lips. 

Cold sweats begin to race down the nape of your neck and your chest coils up. It feels like she just ran a sword through you. Dave Strider's reputation preceded him exceptionally. He didn't talk to anyone or say anything in class, but his completely detached aloofness and pointy anime shades made you nervous to even look in his direction. All he did was prop his legs up on his desk in the very back of the room, blast weird music from his headphones, and leave. Madame Lalonde let it slide though (one class she even told him to "bump that shit up, this is my jam!"), so he was either a secret prodigy or Madame Lalonde completely gave up on him as a lost cause. You expect the latter and that she is still intent on failing you for 'lack of integrity', just in a more torturous way.

Shock paralyzes your ability to respond beyond quietly muttering, "Thank you Roxy" and slowly shuffling out of the room. You hang your head low the entire walk home. Dead man walking didn't even begin to describe your misfortune.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please give advice on how to French for future chapters & also so I can pass French in uni. Merci beaucoup! (U_U)
> 
> Translations:  
> Un billet doux = Love letter  
> Bon après midi = Good afternoon  
> Assis-toi, s'il te plait = Sit down, please  
> Que puis-je faire pour toi = What can I do for you  
> En Anglais = in English


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on any French used will be translated in the notes at the bottom or will appear in English italicized

====> Be The Aloof Loner With Pointy Anime Shades

Your name is Dave Strider and you were just in the middle of mixing some sick new beats when someone starts hammering at your door and ruining your flow. Actually, the knocking is adding a pretty good rhythm. Keep it going intrusive collaborator, this new mix is going to be straight fire.

"Dammit Dave! _Ouvrés la porte avant que je met mon pied dans ton cul_ _!_ "

Aw shit, you know way better than to let Roxy be pissed off so long she starts swearing up a storm in French. You get up to unlock the deadbolts on your door then quickly flash step back into your desk chair, to brace for impact in case you're about to be chewed out again for mixing too loudly.  

"Sup?" You say nonchalantly. Roxy's smiling like she can smell fear. You and Rose both agreed it was some sort of weird ass mom ability. 

"Good evening David," She said prim and properly. Prim and proper in this house meant someone had it in for you. "I have a request to make, if you would entreat me."

"Shoot."

"Do you know John Egbert in your French class?"

What a rhetorical question. Everyone knew the Egbert-Harley kids to be archetypal prodigies. The sister skipped some grades and got into this fancy ass university, despite her famous narcolepsy and constantly littering the streets with her little finger ribbons because she was so scatter brained. You've seen John in some of your classes before (if only because he sits front row, centre and shoots his hand up for every question like clockwork), but you've never actually talked to him. Quite frankly you don't talk much to anyone, but that's besides the point. It strikes you as odd for such a big geek as Egbert to be failing French. French at school is, in your humble opinion, a complete joke, but you know that Roxy tries her best to deal with 1) the confines of the school structure and 2) the idiocy of students who couldn't conjugate their way out of a paper bag.  

You cross your arms and lean back before answering, "Perhaps."

"Well, now you're going to get to know him even better! I want you to be his peer mentor in French for the rest of the semester!"

"What? Aw, hell no."

At your exasperation her smile only got wider. "Correction, you are _going_ to be his peer mentor, regardless your personal feelings towards the matter, because that poor boy is worried sick about his GPA and I can fail you whenever I feel like it."

"This is totally unethical and I will sue you for all you are worth, and the school board for not keeping you in check. Just picture it now Roxy because this shits goin' go down in history. 'Lalonde v. Strider' is going to make waves in the American legal system. I'll be the new Atticus Finch and you'll be an amalgamation of all the racist characters from the book."

"Besides the vast difference in moral implications of your metaphor, I would totally kick your ass in a civil suit. Besides, this arrangement can be mutually beneficial for you too! I've just made one of the smartest kids in school your study buddy! Learn to outweigh the costs and benefits-you need to know that shit for your Econ class, FYI." 

God, you can't help but roll your eyes. "Do you always have to be such a teacher? You're just doing this because you want to reward another one of your fans." John's complete fixation on Roxy during class yet abysmal marks in French are of course symptoms of a "hot for teacher" crush, a common epidemic in all courses she teaches. You try so very hard everyday not to laugh at it, but Roxy just seems to have an extra pep in her step knowing she can totally control otherwise unruly students this way.

"My adoring fans need love every now and then, but that's neither here nor there. It's not a good ice breaker if I have to tell his hot dad that his son is failing my class next parent-teacher conference." You swear that your eyes will pop out of their sockets from how hard you're rolling them, but Roxy just flicks her hair with the back of her hand in a totally sarcastic gesture. "Just play nice and help him with his homework."

"Whatever. Why me?"

"Because I said so, and you need to get your anti-social butt off the internet to make some new friends."

Really? She's still harping on you to make new friends? Why can't she give up this notion that you would ever actually like living here? You and your Bro have only settled a few months ago because your mother and sister finally contacted you guys and thought it would be good to connect as a family, but you absolutely hate it here. It's always freezing cold and wet in Washington, the little 'burb you all moved into doesn't have any tall structures to practice parkour on, and you totally had a good thing going with your squad back in Austin. The only thing you really looked forward to was quietly sliding by in high school so you could hopefully apply to Derse U and get back to your old peeps.   

This predicament has started to piss you right off, but you can't win against Roxy by whining like a little bitch. "Fine, fine, but you owe me now."

Roxy placed both hands on your shoulders and gently squeezed before retorting, "No I don't. As my son and student, you totally owe me for being so great and planning this out for you! I'll order pizza for dinner tonight though."

You mutter under your breath the plan of attack for "Lalonde v. Strider", but pizza is totally a benefit worth overlooking indentured servitude, for the time being. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouvrés la porte avant que je met mon pied dans ton cul = Open the door before I put my foot in your ass


End file.
